Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
