he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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