Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
