hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
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