ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
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Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
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This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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