i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I just cut my nipple shaving
it was like his penis was on wheels.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
