i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
