highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
