i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
