what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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