Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Randomize
