are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
