It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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