We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
