I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize