I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Randomize
