i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
