I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
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