Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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