Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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