M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Randomize
