sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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