I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
