I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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