he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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