Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
did i walk over a car last night?
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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