Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
