i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
