I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
