She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
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No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
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I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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