i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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