I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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