you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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