watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
