omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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