Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Randomize
