ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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