someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Someone shattered a urinal.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
