when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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