im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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