If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Randomize
