I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
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Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
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Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
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