I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Randomize
