Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(586): View more from Michigan

if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen

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(647): View more from Ontario

fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack

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(925): View more from California

I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..

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(480): View more from Arizona

i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend

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(248): View more from Michigan

today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much

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(850): View more from Florida

she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."

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(815): View more from Illinois

I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.

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(212): View more from New York

Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!

(202): View more from Washington, DC

I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense

(212): View more from New York

The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!

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