i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Randomize
