I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Randomize
