When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize
