genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
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