Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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