and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
