If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize
