: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
