I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
