Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
