Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
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