Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
