You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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