ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
