My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
