My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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