I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
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