She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
