It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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