On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
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