Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Too much gin, very little bucket
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
