Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Is it penis luge time yet?
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
