someone threw a dead crab at me
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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